The Un-Divorced

JOHN FROST and his wife had been unhappily married for much of their 25 years together when his company relocated him in 2000. So when he moved from Virginia to Knoxville, Tenn., he left her behind.
At first, it wasn’t clear what would happen next. Would she follow him? Or would they end up divorced?

The answer: neither. “After a few months,” Mr. Frost said, “we both realized we liked it this way.”

Technically, the two are married. They file joint tax returns; she’s covered by his insurance. But they see each other just several times a year. “Since separating we get along better than we ever have,” he said. “It’s kind of nice.”

And at 58, he sees no reason to divorce. Their children have grown and left home. He asked himself: Why bring in a bunch of lawyers? Why create rancor when there’s nowhere to go but down?

“To tie a bow around it would only make it uglier,” Mr. Frost said. “When people ask about my relationship status, I usually just say: ‘It’s complicated. I like my wife, I just can’t live with her.’ ”

The term “trial separation” conjures a swift purgatory, something ducked into regretfully and escaped from with due speed, even if into that most conclusive of relationships, divorce. We understand the expeditious voyage from separation to divorce, the desire for a clear-cut ending that makes way for a clear-cut beginning. We hardly look askance at the miserably married or the exes who hurl epithets in divorce court.

But couples who stubbornly remain separated, sometimes for years? That leaves us dumbfounded. “I see it all the time,” said Lynne Gold-Bikin, a divorce lawyer in Norristown, Pa., who is the chairman of the family law department at Weber Gallagher. She can cite a docket of cases of endless separation.

With one couple separated since 1989, the wife’s perspective was, “We still get invited as Mr. and Mrs., we go to functions together, he still sends me cards,” Ms. Gold-Bikin said. As for the husband, “He cared for her, he just didn’t want to live with her.”

But at his girlfriend’s urging, he finally initiated divorce proceedings. Then he became ill and she began taking over his finances — a bit too wifelike for him. “He said, enough of this, there’s no reason to get divorced,” Ms. Gold-Bikin recalled.

Among those who seem to have reached a similar conclusion is Warren Buffett, the wealthy chairman of Berkshire Hathaway. Mr. Buffett separated from his wife, Susan, in 1977 but remained married to her until her death in 2004. All the while, he lived with Astrid Menks; they married in 2006. The threesome remained close, even sending out holiday cards signed, “Warren, Susan and Astrid.”

Also in the ranks of the un-divorced: the artist Willem de Kooning had been separated from his wife for 34 years when she died in 1989. Jann and Jane Wenner separated in 1995 after 28 years but are still married, despite Mr. Wenner’s romantic relationship with a man.

Society is full of whispered scenarios in which spouses live apart, in different homes or in the same mega-apartment in order to silence gossip, avoid ugly divorce battles and maintain the status quo, however uneasy. In certain cases, the world assumes a couple is divorced and never learns otherwise until an obituary puts the record straight.

Separations are usually de facto, rarely pounded out in a contract, and family law is different state to state. But even long-estranged couples are irrefutably bound by contractual links on issues like taxes, pensions, Social Security and health care.

Divorce lawyers and marriage therapists say that for most couples, the motivation to remain married is financial. According to federal law, an ex qualifies for a share of a spouse’s Social Security payment if the marriage lasts a decade. In the case of more amicable divorces, financial advisers and lawyers may urge a couple who have been married eight years to wait until the dependent spouse qualifies.

For others, a separation agreement may be negotiated so that a spouse keeps the other’s insurance until he or she is old enough for Medicare. If one person has an existing condition, obtaining affordable health care coverage is often difficulty or impossible. The recession, with its real estate lows and health care expense highs, adds incentives to separate indefinitely.

Smoking a habit for the poor

When smoking first swept the United States in the early decades of the 20th century, it took hold among the well-to-do. Cigarettes were high-society symbols of elegance and class, puffed by doctors and movie stars. By the 1960s, smoking cigarettes had exploded, helped by the distribution of cigarettes to soldiers in World War II. Half of all men and a third of women smoked.

But as evidence of smoking’s deadly consequences has accumulated, the broad patterns of use by class have shifted: Smoking, the leading cause of preventable death in the country, is now increasingly a habit of the poor and the working class.

While previous data established that pattern, a new analysis of federal smoking data released on Monday shows that the disparity is increasing. The national smoking rate has declined steadily, but there is a deep geographic divide. In the affluent suburbs of Washington, only about one in 10 people smoke, according to the analysis, by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation. But in impoverished places like this — Clay County, in eastern Kentucky — nearly four in 10 do.

“It’s just what we do here,” said Ed Smith Jr., 51, holding up his cigarette in a hand callused from his job clearing trees away from power lines. Several of his friends have died of lung cancer, and he has tried to quit, but so far has not succeeded.

“I want to see my grandson grow up,” he said.

The new study, which evaluated federal survey data from 1996 to 2012 to produce smoking rates by county, offered a rare glimpse beneath the surface of state-level data. It found that affluent counties across the nation have experienced the biggest, and fastest, declines in smoking rates, while progress in the poorest ones has stagnated. The findings are particularly stark for women: About half of all high-income counties showed significant declines in the smoking rate for women, but only 4 percent of poor counties did, the analysis found.

This growing gap in smoking rates between rich and poor is helping drive inequality in health outcomes, experts say, with, for example, white women on the lowest rungs of the economic ladder now living shorter lives.

No smoking ordinance up for vote in Kennett

Elections are right around the corner and one southeast Missouri town is talking about the upcoming ballot.

It's not a candidate that's creating a stir, but a city ordinance that would ban smoking in public places.

Many businesses in Kennett do not permit smoking in their buildings.

Some restaurants recently changed their policies, while others have been smoke-free for years.

Mr. C's restaurant has been serving the people of Kennett for 55 years, but 15 years ago they said no to smoking indoors.

"Some of our customers, they were kind of upset," said Mr. C's co-owner Linda Pender. "But a lot of them agreed with it, thought it was right. We had a couple that got mad and said they wouldn't be back, but a few months later they came back. Nobody's really had any problems with it."

The possibility of a smoking ban in Kennett has stirred a strong response from many in the community.

"Our customers are very upset with it," said Tobacco Superstore Manager Rita Cole. "They feel like it's taking their privileges away in Kennett. That they're allowed to smoke wherever they want to."

The ban would prohibit smoking inside public places, businesses and private clubs.

It would also be illegal to light up within five feet of outdoor playgrounds and entrances to buildings.

"I think it's a good idea," said Pender. "I'm not a smoker myself. Never have been. And I know a lot of people do. But with the way people are sick and everything now I think it would be a good idea."

"If they want to smoke in their home or on their job and it's ok with their owners or corporations then that's up to them," said Cole. "But we think it's wrong that they're trying to ban smoking in Kennett."

Cole thinks this ban may negatively affect restaurants, but she thinks the tobacco business will thrive.

"I think people are going to smoke regardless. It's an addiction and if they have to just sit in their home and do it they will smoke," Cole said.

The town seems split between pro-and anti-ban votes.

But Cole added, "I believe when it comes down to it the majority of people will be against banning it."

It will be up to voters to decide on April 8.

The mayor says this is the first time a no-smoking ordinance has appeared on the ballot.

5 Texas inmates get sick smoking synthetic pot

Five inmates at an East Texas jail have been hospitalized after smoking a synthetic marijuana cigarette that was smuggled into the lockup.
The Gregg County Sheriff's Office on Monday said four inmates were treated and returned to custody. A fifth inmate spent last Friday night in a Longview hospital before being discharged back to the jail.
Lt. Kirk Haddix says a jailer apparently missed the fake marijuana cigarette when booking an inmate. Haddix said jailers became aware of the problem when one inmate appeared to have seizures.
No jailers have been disciplined as the investigation continues.