What Is Sex?

What is sex may seem like a silly question for an adult to ask, but after speaking and corresponding with thousands of people over the years I’ve come to believe that many of our problems about sex are actually problems of definition. As such every search for information, tips and techniques, or answers to sexual problems can benefit from taking a moment to make sure we know what we’re talking about when we talk about sex.

Definitions of Sex

Anna Freud famously wrote that “sex is something you do, sexuality is something you are.” This way of understanding sex highlights the difference between the act of sex and the individual experience of sexuality, which is an intrinsic part of who we are, one that can’t be separated out of ourselves any more than our ethnicity or religious/spiritual beliefs.
Dictionary definitions of sex tend to be less literary, offering several definitions including:

Sex is a way of distinguishing male and female members of a species, usually by referencing their reproductive functions.
Sex refers to coitus or intercourse, an act that can result in reproduction.
Sex refers to the genitals.
The answer you get to the question “what is sex” depends largely on who you ask. A doctor might tell you that sex is defined by hormones in your body; a therapist might say that sex is all in your head; a guru may tell you that sex is about getting closer to God. Given such broad definitions, it can be helpful to narrow your focus and figure out what aspect of sex you want to learn more about.