New year's resolutions: can you really change your life?

The dawn of a new year is when we make pledges for self-improvement. But by the end of January, 90% of us will be back to our old ways. So can human beings really make lasting changes to their behaviour? If so, how? Irma Kurtz, agony aunt at Cosmopolitan for 40 years, and philosopher Jules Evans try to work out a formula for success. Joanna Moorhead listens in. Irma Kurtz: There are some things we can't change – our lineage or our genes or our animal urges. But practically anything else we can … and I think we're the only animals who can do that. Jules Evans: I'm not sure I'm very good at changing myself, or that I'm a self-controlled or morally good person. But about 10 years ago I did manage to change, over the course of about a year. I managed to get out of a phase of anxiety and depression. From that I've taken the idea that you can change yourself – but it's definitely hard work, and you need a really strong motive to do it. IK: A lot of change depends on accepting what can be changed – you need to know what's unchangeable as well. JE: I got into philosophy through cognitive therapy. And one of the tenets of that is that acceptance is active, not passive. It's actually quite transformative to allow yourself to like yourself. IK: Acceptance is success, not failure – sometimes change isn't for the better. JE: The Stoics had a whole philosophy of acceptance of the universe – a bending with the wind. And they also had this idea that you prepare yourself by anticipating difficulties. So if you're going to the January sales, you think in advance that it's going to be crowded – and that will help you cope. Marcus Aurelius said to himself each morning: today I'm going to meet some rude and ungrateful and pushy people, just so it's not a shock when it happens. That can be useful in new year resolutions. A big reason so many people fail is that they have no coping device for when they lapse. So when it happens, they give up and go on a merry binge. One cigarette and they're chaining again. But you have to think in advance: there are going to be some bumps in the road. IK: I think you have to look a bit deeper. At least 10% of the letters I get are from women worried about the shape of their bodies. They are worried about their eating habits – how can they eat less? And I often think, what are you eating for? Never mind counting the calories; what is that food to you? What is it replacing? What are you not doing because you're eating food? Change always starts with understanding. JE: Would you say habits like smoking, drinking and overeating are coping devices? But bad coping devices? IK: I think they're covers, or disguises. Not always – they can become addictive. But they often cover something else. JE: One thing that can be useful when you're trying to change a habit is thinking more intelligently about control. So people in Alcoholics Anonymous remind themselves about what's in their control and what isn't. If you have a resolution, think of it as intrinsic rather than external. So resolve to make more of an effort to go on dates instead of saying, I'm going to find love. Because that's external, it's out of your control. IK: Well, the inner goal is because you're in search of the outer goal. You're making an effort to go on dates because you're in search of love. JE: But it's useful to focus on what's in your control rather than the things that aren't. If you tend to your own garden, the other stuff will come. IK: A lot of people write to me who want to lose weight. They think if they can lose weight, their lives will change. Everything will be better: love will come along or a husband will return. And it's like a fairytale. JE: And you're doing it for someone else! Joanna Moorhead: Is the bottom line who we do it for? IK: You do it for yourself, whether you like it or not. Why you are making the change is what needs thinking about. And a physical change won't change the person within the body. JM: So if, say, you want to lose weight, what you're saying is: think very hard about why you want to lose that weight? IK: Think about why you eat too much; what food is representing. And why you want to lose weight. JE: And be specific. How much weight do you want to lose? Break it down into steps, month by month. And keep track of it. If you say, "I want to lose weight so that people are nicer to me", that's too general. People fail with resolutions because they're too general, and they don't keep track of their progress. IK: But I've seen people do what you're saying, and losing weight becomes everything. They cease to think about anything else. They put themselves in a straitjacket. And it always comes back to the fact that they're not addressing the real problem. The other thing we have to be very careful about is not to listen to others when they tell us that we should change – "should" means "because I say so". We read all the time in the papers about what we should do, what we should eat and so on … I think, really, we have to rely on common sense to know what we should do. Sometimes you change your behaviour and everything changes. Start getting up an hour earlier than usual and you'll find the day changes. Your attitude, your relationship to the day is different. And it's often a very happy thing to do. JE: Yes, a bad night's sleep really depletes your willpower. I am at my weakest when I've not slept well. I have a constant battle with smoking, and I'm much more likely to smoke when I'm hungover. IK: Can I suggest carrots and celery in the fridge, they're so nice and crispy … JE: I'll try that! One other thing: the Greeks say we're incredibly forgetful and unconscious creatures. Socrates says we sleepwalk through life. They had this idea of trying to turn their philosophy into little things that you would say to yourself, and repeat them over and over again – and act on them. IK: I've often recommended that people keep a notebook, write down the pattern of your habits. That forces you to remember why you did what you did. JE: Yes, the Greeks also kept journals. They kept an account of themselves. IK: Because you can't trust anyone else to tell you. It's the group thing again – the people around you can work for good or ill. And that's what I mean when I say sometimes the group doesn't work for your benefit. JM: What are your new year's resolutions? JE: I'm going to start going to church. I want to find a community that can accept me, and that I can accept. IK: Promise you'll be careful! JE: I'll be careful. I'm going to start with the Quakers. IK: Oh yes, the Quakers are all right. My resolution is to go to the theatre more often. So I'm going to read the paper, find the plays I want to see, and buy the tickets. And then I really will go.